My friend, Death.

It really hit me today just how transient life really is. I feel like life on Earth in human form is like one long drug trip from which I will one day wake up. There’s nothing so soothing during a ride that’s been bumpy as the recollection that at some point, the ride will end and you will walk on having experienced a transformation that – in hindsight – was ultimately entirely out of your control.

Depression hurts. Everywhere. Trans* experience also hurts and I often feel like an immigrant to my own species. I happy say I welcome Death in its naturally appointed time with open arms. When Death charts a final destination, what does it matter if I do this thing or that thing – people say this or judge me for that? For we will all die and become fertilizer for the Earth like so many acres of burning forest in California. This mad dimension has been going along for ages without my particular soul conglomerate signature and will continue doing so long after the dust from my bones have become tall trees, building foundation, and if they can still survive by then, hopefully some pretty flowers.

The difference is the depth of my experience in each and every moment. Not in what I was famous for. Other people can only see in me what lies within them already. Did I Feel? Did I Love? Did I hurt? Did I weep? Did I laugh? Did I let my spirit soar in gratitude to the endless unfolding of this grand cosmos?

Did I let Spirit experience Spirit’s manifestation?

This is all that matters now.

The Road Away

I’m always baffled when someone says “I love you. I’ll accept you if you jump through xyz hoops.” Hear me now: if you want me to change, you’ll be disappointed. Do us both a favor and step out of my story immediately.

Up until recently I manifested my own self hate into other people who would embody that hate into finding something wrong with me. The happier I got, the more was wrong with me. Leaving their company to join the friends who have no interest in changing me was programmed to me as “betrayal.”

I love my own Heart above the illusion of anyone else’s. It’s how I plug into the rest of the cosmos and ultimately to you. In the end, it’s all I really have.

You may think the loneliest place in the world is on the road away from abuse but that’s shortsighted. I’ve found the loneliest place in the world to be surrounded by people who want to turn you into a goddamned Mr. Potato Head doll for their comfort and will tell you they love you and they truly know you best – that they are only looking out for your well-being.

The road away from them at first is loud and fiery. Then something wonderful happens. The road grows quiet, the breeze sings through your pain-drenched hair. The sun rises to meet your steps. You finally take a breath free of ash and at long last your Heart walks with you once again.

It is then that you know for certain you are free.

I’m Real.

After being hired for an event that was a tragedy, where I was misgendered, bullied, touched, cold, mislead about space, made new friends who thankfully bought me a drink because I couldn’t bring my self care kit on board….

I am tired and newly educated as to how very legit I and my practice are. I’m also wise as to just how deeply I’ve disparaged myself and thought I didn’t matter and was systematically worthless. What saddens me more is that I know for a fact that I am not alone in this. What I also know is how deeply and effectually I am changing the game.

Identify your needs and what come naturally to you. Set your requirements and watch the infinitely supportive cosmos meet them. If you build it they will actually come.

I’m real. I’m legit. I’m fucking Magic with a Heartbeat.

And so are you.

Now go act like it.

Thorns

When you finally choose radical authenticity, self care as a rule, radical self expression, and autonomy – you will begin to purge and release toxins and truths you didn’t even know were stuck in you. It will be freeing. The surrender will hurt initially then it will feel so incredibly good and liberating. You will feel like you learned how to breathe again, love again, be a human being again.

In letting go of a former life, some will let go of you, sometimes bitterly, accusing you of crimes they invented that reflect their own demons. We all have our faults, but some will hate you for feeding your soul. Your freedom illuminates their bondage. Some will release with you. Others will put you on trial, as though you needed to ask their permission before choosing authentic happiness. These are incompatible relationships. Release them.

For every “friend” that leaves you because you chose happiness in love, 12 more will fill the void they leave – and they will love you for the real you and celebrate your authenticity because they themselves are on a journey towards authenticity and you find a mutual inspiration with them. 

Some will hate you for being honest and independent. These are the ones who can’t find that themselves. Some will love you for being honest and independent because when they look at you they see the love within their own hearts.

Make a choice and your world will align with it. Sometimes it’s like setting the table for a homecoming feast. Other times, it’s like a volcano erupting. Trust your feelings – always. I promise that it’s worth it once you’re on the other side.

I’ll see you over there. 😉

When/Why a Unicorn Walks Away

I was excluded from attending a party last night specifically because I’m Trans* and that might “make some people there uncomfortable.” So the coordinator found my closest friend and got them to tell {contain} me. The bus driver drove me home alone after everyone else disembarked. While I did chuckle at the novelty, the lonely side of being a unicorn was quite a new experience for me. I was beautiful and horrifying all at once. No one quite knows what happens when that mysterious lone unicorn walks away.

You don’t really know what privilege is until you don’t have it anymore. Non-White people, lower class people, and sex workers have experienced this daily for centuries. Tickle me educated.

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Card of the Day

Card of the Day: Three of Wands. You know what you want, now go enlist others for your cause. Its easy to invent the reality that you’re imposing or somehow limiting others with your ambitions. This is usually illusory and stems from chronic self-neglect. Your win is everyone’s win. You’re ready. Now, buckle up and ride for that horizon.

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Image from Artist’s Inner Vision Tarot

Gratitude

I’ve neglected this. There’s been a lot going on! I came out as Trans*, now go by “She” pronouns, and am purusing transition – not from one to another of a closed set of two genders, but simply from (what was put on me by a limited environment) into (Me through and through) – with the help of contemporary technology and a whole mess of Witchery! Thoughout history there have always been a plethora of genders. Only in Post-Imperial Post-War Reconstructionism to do we find ourselves throttled down into psychosexual sardines. I don’t buy the charade. I and maybe-Yes-you-too are a magical creature incarnated specifically into this place and time to learn and practice something truly divine. The trick is remembering through the doing. I’ve been doing a lot of that!

SO on this day of turkey and indigenous post-massacre, let’s set those issues aside and contemplate Gratitude – a truly divine nectar from which we fail to drink from far too often. Meditating on Gratitude is the only way I know how to process crossing a Finish Line. You can work and steamroll and conquer and knit-brow yourself silly 365 days a year and never ever ever get to the good stuff you’re pursuing without Gratitude. What do I honor and love – truly? (Especially the things you’re embarrased to appreciate!)

I’m extremely thankful for the people around me who CELEBRATE my Happiness. Growing up under a rock in Texas, I never could have imagined the life I now live where I am surrounded by people who value my truth and fight to protect it. I am truly blessed. I’m thankful for the door-openers to my pleasant and prosperous success. I’m thankful for the encouragers. I’m thankful for the happy hiding places for when I’m scared. I’m thankful for those who were even more excited about my living out loud then I was – because they helped me REMEMBER how to be excited about anything! They helped me heal.

I’m thankful for those that called me names, made me feel unsafe, objectified my body, and made me feel Othered. I’m thankful for those who led me to believe that if I explored different worldviews that I would be miserable and lost forever. I’m thankful for those who mocked me and tried to cut me down for being happy. I’m thankful for those who loved being miserable so so so much that my happiness was a threat to their very lives in their mind. I’m thankful for those who backed me into a corner trying to control me and break my mind to comfort their fragile souls. I’m thankful for those who projected their fears and multi-generational lies onto me.

I’m thankful for them because without them I would never have known how truly powerful, beautiful, caring, nurturing, strong, wild, RESILIENT, emancipating, beautiful, loved, sane, vibrant, and healthy I truly am. I would never have valued my loved ones as much as I do. I would never have maximized my sovereignty and power as much as I have. I would never have written my thoughts down. I would never have learned how to say, “NO!” I would never have decided what I want. I would never have found my medicine. I would never have learned how to stand and reflect truth to my friends when they need real talk to steady their mind and heart. I would never have learned to walk mightily enthroned in the chariot of my fiery spirit. I would never have learned how to stand in Love amidst fear that was choking the passion out of my friends. I would never have learned how to exorcise the cutting blades that have crippled us en masse into wearing normalized insane culturalisms with shaky pride.

Without feeling hate, I would never now what LOVE truly feels like – the kind that brings you to your knees weeping like there are hurricanes of passion rippling through your torso that make your eyes rain the torrents of the broken rainforest. I earned my ability to Love and now I am enthroned by Love, by Goddess, by Healing, by Holy Light and Holy Darkness, by Primal Orgasmic Pride that sends shockwaves of celebration down a nine-block radius of each footstep I take. Because of the haters and the lovers in my past, I stand tall and radiate the Light I have found in the Darkness. By seeing all, I can now have compassion for those blindly running through this world with hate, because I know where they are hurting. I know their pain and I send them love that they be broken, nourished, healed, and released into genuine liberty that emancipates all from their very DNA strands.

I’m thankful for the honesty in my life. I have friends who will truly tell me how they feel, not to change me, but to love me. I am armored by holy vulnerability. It is the greatest protection I have ever known. It is a true mystery, but if you can find the protection of holy vulnerability, the world you enter will send you into fits of awe. There is no turning back.

Meditate on your relationship with Gratitude today. It stretches you open to receive more greatness, Love, Healing, and nourishment. Blessings from the Goddess who knows you more than you can ever know yourself – and Loves you because of it.

Siúil a Rún.